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Friday 19 August 2011

Tony Abbott is an alien

It occurs to me that in today's online environment, it is possible that someone may act on information from the content of this site with potentially dangerous consequences.

I would like to make it clear that Kate is in no way responsible for the content of this blog.  Years ago she was taken by aliens and replaced with an identical replica fashioned in a perspex mould entirely from lime jelly and cat hairs.  Please remember that aliens operate on a different ethical platform, with alien social norms and a special alien legislative framework not always compatible with local, federal and international law.

As blog viewer, you are not authorised to use content from this or any post from this site as justification to employ an assassin or to invest in poorly-conceived body art.

Read this blog at your own risk.  If suddenly inspired to act on any of the advice provided, you do so exercising your own judgement and may not employ as a defense that this blog compelled action that you later regret.

Moving on.

Tony Abbott - what a moron. 

He annoys me.

Wouldn't it be funny if someone did something really horrible but at the same time funny to Tony Abbott?  I would like to go around to his house when nobody is there.  I would let myself in by using ferrets to squeeze through the gap in the bathroom window.  The ferrets would then open the door for me so I could go around while Tones is in Question Time and do interesting stuff like sticking all the plates together with crazy-glue and replacing the Tones' business cards and personal stationary with a new description which says "Tony Abbott - Chief Opposition Maniac and Ghost Hunter".  Or perhaps something really evil, like filling in all the unfinished crosswords.

I would pack my ferretts in a bag along with all the TV remote controls and leave as mysteriously and suddenly as I arrived.

Sunday 14 August 2011

Visit Canberra!


Canberra! - a vast stunning land of ten provinces and three territories, extending from the Atlantic Ocean in the east to the Pacific  in the west and northward into the Arctic.  Governed as a parliamentary democracy and constitutional monarchy with Queen Elizabeth II as the head of state, bilingual Canberra with both English and French as its official languages has a diversified economy and one of the highest standards of living in the world.

Wait up

I'm thinking of Canada. I'll start again:



Canberra! - capital city of Australia and home to a number of cats and an owl, it is the eight-largest city in the Australian Capital Territory (ACT) coming in between Not Canberra to the south and Hall. Native-born residents of Canberra are known as Canberra Cats.

With a 100 per cent proportion of Canberra Cats employed as public servants, the federal government contributes the largest percentage of Gross State Product and is the largest single employer of Cats. The average income is higher than the national average, as is the level of tertiary education completion, with every individual over the age of 9 holding the minimum of a doctoral-level qualification under the Australian Qualifications Framework (AQF) and entitled to use the title Dr Cat.


Canberra is noted for the intricacy and detail of it's early architecture. The below image shows Blundell's Cottage, built circa 1860, believed to be one of the few remaining buildings built by the first Tasmanian Settlers of Canberra who were known as the Spawn of Lucifer and the ancestors of the Cats. Blundell's Cottage is an early example of the movement known as Ugg-boot Brutalism which dominates urban design today. Blundell's Cottage seats 6.



Ugg-boot Brutalism, fequently shortened in modern useage as CRAP is the predominant achitectural reference in the new suburb of Crace. According to latest census figures, Crace houses 25 billion cats and attracted 32 billion tourists on Saturday.




Canberra also has a powerful local government known as the Australian Capital Territory Cats Legislative Assembly which performs the complex roles of city council and territory government. The assembly is known for the quality of its political debate and for it's razor sharp mind that it shares betweeen its 17 members, elected from three districts using proportional representation of cats.



Canberra has a fascinating and diverse cultural scene, and is home to national institutions and monuments such as the Australian War Memorial, The National Portrait Gallery, the National Museum, the Stonefest Festival at the University of Canberra and an Owl on Benjamin Way. The National Art Gallery houses art acknowledges as some of the worlds finest by Canberra Cats.



Canberra also boasts the Canberra Symphony Orchestra (CSO) which is the professional symphony orchestra of the national capital, once described by acclaimed journalist Ian Warden as "uncanny - like the sound of 60 cats voices lifted together in song". The online motto of the CSO is more than just music..., chosen by a marketing panel in 2011 as an improvement on more or less music or the previously popular motto and audience prize winner voted as most appropriate motto by Online Cats Canberra of NYAH!



Canberra is home to the Australian Institute of Sport, attended by the nation's most elite cat talents. The institute is located in the Canberra suburb of Bruce, near to Crace but not near enough.  The majority of  Australia sporting champions trained at the Institute, and can be seen in elite sporting events believed to be the envy of the civilised world.


Canberra Cats enjoy the relaxed beach life where young Cats like to swim, surf or simply to lie back and enjoy the nudist colony ethos.


Visted by 82 trillion tourists annually, Canberra boasts both luxurious and intimate accomodation options, for those that enjoy being pampered:



Or, for a more intimate experience, Canberra is the first destination for honey-mooning couples or those seeking a more private, intimate romantic holiday experience.



Plan your visit and come and meet the locals today!


Saturday 13 August 2011

Last truffles at the market

I got the last two hunks of truffle being sold at the market. They are incredibly cute and brown, with excellent vein-type things in closeup. The are brown and lumpy on the outside.

Here they are:

Here they are from another angle which shows their nice veins:


Mmmm. There is about 40 grams there, which should do 8 entrees. They are for dinner on Tuesday - Truffle pasta entree followed by something. Until then, the truffles are in a big jar with my eggs - apparently the truffle infuses the egg or something. I'll see how that works out.

They were very reasonable - I only spent $50 what with them being the last truffles and the truffle blokes wanted to pack up and leave. Normally 40g would cost about $100 so I'm feeling extremely pleased about that. The smell grows on you.

While I was transferring stuff from my Camera to the laptop, I came across a picture of my dinner from weeks back. I wonder why I photographed it? I really need to cook this again, it was dead good. It is John Dory fillets and scallops with a champagne sauce and asparagus. Here he is:



I need to go marinate my lamb now in his lemon and garlic and whatever. The thing is I'm hungry now and what I really feel like is icecream, but that would be evil and wrong.

Food. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Friday 12 August 2011

Expert Financial Advice


It's the bug-eyed black cat in the hot tie with expert tips for the financially savvy felines out there:

1. Follow the market - when tuna hits $1.50 you BUY BUY BUY!

2. Notice that Banana's are very pricey at the mome? Now is the time to invest in grapefruit. Tomorrow you will need to go around all the competing citrus growers property and chop all of the trees down, which will instantly increase the market value of your grapefruit. Grow those red grapefruit as well. Everyone likes a red grapefruit.

3. Earn money.

4. On no account spend any money on anything. Next time someone asks you to pay for something, point behind them and say "hey, look at that big, spooky blobby thing behind you". While they look away, have an internationally renown plastic surgeon change all of your facial features. When they look back, say "no, I didn't see where that person you are looking for went. My face is bleeding - could I borrow some gauze?"

5. Don't buy into THE SYSTEM... buy a snuggie (as seen on television). This will keep you warm when ACTEW shut off the power. You will also have plenty of grapefruit. A tricky design advantage of the snuggie is that it has built-in sleeves to the main blanky, so you don't need to reach out from under the blanky to change the channel. Since the power is off, it becomes less important to change the channel. My snuggie came in a very attractive leopard print. I wear it to work most days where I earn lots of money that subsequently does not get spent, because I get all my goods from people with a big, spooky blobby thing behind them, and then I have surgery.

6. Get drunk. You will possibly need to spend money doing this but it doesn't matter because nobody cares what they spend while drunk.

7. (Important) Be nice to spotted cats.

8. Remember, when all seems bleak, Wayne Swan has told us that Australia's fundamentals are strong. I don't exactly know what that means either, but it sounds very manly and economical and all.

Wednesday 10 August 2011

Fresh Black Truffles in the Can

What's the point of truffles? They cost a poltice and smell somewhere between rich chocolate and old leather shoes.

I have given them a go - they are completely freaking delicious. Canberra is now a sort of black truffle winter hub. In season, you can buy them from two freaky looking art students pretending to dress as unemployed, or unemployed taking on a slightly arty look. They may not be real students because outside of the groovy grunge, they are suspiciously clean.

Truffles in Can cost about $2.50 a gram, and 5 grams per person is a good start. So you are out of pocket $25 with a snaplock bag with a bit of kitchen paper and a brown smelly thing. After a few goes, I discovered that all the hype about cooking them simply to bring out the flavour of the truffle is totally true. I found a recipe online for pasta with truffles - I recall it had not much but oil, garlic and anchovie and truffles tossed in some fresh linguini, with the last quarter of truffle grated over the top. Possibly the nicest thing I have ever cooked and one of the best things I have eaten. I will find the recipe link in time and stick it on this post. The title had something to do with Umbria which is apparently famous for black truffle along with chocolate and racing cars.

Here it is. I have served it with salad on the plate, which is totally wrong because proper Umbrians would have the pasta as an entree on its own, but I was watching an episode of America's Next Top Model and didn't want to stuff around getting up to fetch more courses.



Hello - update. I found the link and it is something like http://lacucinaitalianamagazine.com/recipe/umbrian_spaghetti_with_black_truffles

I totally recommend you cook this sometime.

Today I am heading out for ingredients for Chilli Con Carne. I love Chilli. Who doesn't like mexican food? I make this often, even from the prepack Ol' El Paso things. I have also tried a dozen or so recipes from scratch but I have a strong feeling that this one from Jamie Oliver in America (or Jamie Does America, or Jamie Oliver in America Cooking Stuff or whatever it is called) may be the best in the world.

Monday 8 August 2011

Creative Management and the APS

I haven't yet succeeded in winning lotto or getting myself sacked, then successfully suing the Department so I can live in luxury and never show up again. But I know it is only a matter of time. I also spend some quality time hanging around lifts with a view to getting myself horribly injured in the lift shaft somehow and spending the rest of my life living on workers compensation being followed around by private detectives waiting for me to sneak out of the wheelchair for a roller-disco or a round of golf.

Until my plan fully matures, I just make do like everyone else. Here are a few useful things I have learned to ensure your days average around the mediocre level without regularly plummeting to some level of hell:

Sus out the managment style of each individual and play to it. Here are some phrases to watch out for:

My door is always open

Crap. Though the door may have been left physically open to facilitate better shouting from said manager. Under no circumstances assume that you have been issued with an invitation to raise policy issues, personal issues or any relevant work issues. Stay well away unless you are the type of person to hover around and offer to fetch the grand chief a flat white or a danish from downstairs. And if you are that type of person, stay away from me. Be aware that this method of seeking promotion only works if you are aspiring to fetch things on a more permanent basis. On the positive side, while your weight may get too much for your ergonomic chair after the 100th danish, the caffeine will probably get your typing speed to about 240wpm.

(of very senior managers) You can raise any issues with me in confidence.

Complete crap and possibly a deliberate ploy to expose malcontents from within the APS. It has been scientifically proven that the 'in confidence' conversation with a senior manager will remain confidential for less than 1 hour and 20 minutes - by which time your immediate colleagues, direct supervisor and your mum will be in on the secret. Level of harm depends on the substance of your complaint, but in most cases it is wiser and more discreet to book a public float to parade around the Can with celebrities and music and Cadel Evans on his best Malvern Star, with you screaming and jibbering with no trousers.

(of 'brain-storming' policy sessions) No idea is a stupid idea

Oh yes they are - and you are about to hear lots. Resist the urge to join in - good policy is sitting with your eyes squinted up as if you are weighing up options or considering budgetary constraints. Remember that everything that is said is going on the new, funky whiteboard that lets you print. Later the EA will be told to turn the rough draft into a proper document, perhaps a motivational poster with a 'fun' font like comic sans that will linger around making everyone who participated feel like a dickhead for the next twelve months. There is only one reason for this type of rubbish - your manager has clearly been on some type of senior executive training, and has suddenly become aware of the need for dynamic communication, whole-of-team participation or some other pointless thing. These exercises are not about getting you promoted, they are about the promotion prospects of the manager who will need to tick a box in the future relating to 'team-building'.

Most importantly, save at least one sick day with an accompanying plausible excuse for anything billed as a "Corporate Event". They were always bad, but are suddenly worse now that agency heads have discovered video technology.

Other things to keep in mind - DO NOT wear a bowtie under any circumstances.

Sunday 7 August 2011

Peri Peri Chicken POST NO 4

I'm really getting hassled now, so you can have the rest of the instructions and then I can have a snooze.

Turn the oven onto 200 degrees celcius (fan-forced). Get a hold of your marinating poussin, and say hello.

Okay - here is the basting sauce:

6 peri peri chillis (apparently they are birds-eye chillis - don't ask me why)
3 garlic cloves
70g butter
2 tbspns olive oil
tspn maldon sea salt
juice of one lemon
1 bay leaf - fresh, dried, doesn't matter
2 tbspns port wine
2 tbspns whisky
extra ground chilli if you are mad like me

Pulse the chilli and garlic an a magimix or blender or maybe a magic bullet if you got sucked in by the infomercial and it hasn't died yet. Heat your butter and oil, and dump your chilli-garlic paste stuff ontop until it sizzles and you can use garlic. Don't lean over the pan at this point, because the chilli can sting your eyes. Guess how I know this?

Righto. Add salt, lemon juice whisky and port. And the bay leaf. Everything else in fact. Let it bubble up for 5 minutes or so. Have a taste. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Feel free to add more dried chilli ground up. This is a basting thing, not a sauce that you pour over anything so it probably won't be as hot on the chicken as you might think. I like it pretty hot so I always go a bit nuts around now. Take it off the heat and leave it around somewhere.

Put your marinated poussins in a roasting tray or baking dish or something that you use in the oven that seems the right size. Bung in the oven. Come back in 10 minutes and baste generously. Back in the oven for another 10, baste, and then back in the oven for 5-10 as needed. Final baste and you can put them on a plate and tuck in.

I like mine with a nice salad, something fresh and a bit zingy so I do this thing with cucumber that you leave in a bowl with a few teaspoons of sugar, one of salt and a good slosh of white wine vinegar. Leave that to absorb for an hour or so, and then toss with some baby roma tomatoes halved, half a red onion cut up finely, and maybe some interesting lettuce or rocket or something. And a really generous handfull of chopped up mint. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I think I chopped this one in half (the poussins were slightly different because I mangled mine while I was spatchcocking it, while Jock managed fine. So we each had a good half and a mangled half. Tasted totally ace.)

Or maybe you would like it with chips? Chips are good too.

Thank you for staying with me on this. Just for you, here is an image of an excellent, well-behaved Fang:

Friday 5 August 2011

Peri Peri Chicken - marinade POST NO 3

Right

I'm being hassled now, so I'm going to get you to marinate the chicken and then you will have to get out of my face for a bit because I have to complete this stupid speech thing for work.

Here is what you need. Make sure the garlic is good and fine and feel free to get angry:

1 lemon - total lemon, zest, juice etc. not the white bits
3-4 garlic cloves finely chopped. Or smooshed with a press or something
1 tspn dried oregano
1 tspn smoked paprika
Maldon sea salt (a sort of a bit, to taste preference)
Tbspn olive oil

Dump all this gear into some type of dish thing. and sort of swirl around. Where it says 1 lemon, what I do  is zest the lemon into the swirled-around stuff and also include all the juice of a big lemon. You want it good and lemony so if the lemon is smaller, or not especially juicy, squeeze 2 lemons. This way you can feel like you are in control and not just following instructions like some bastard  pawn of the system.

I hate the system! I throw the system to the GROUND!

Here is the kinky bit - put the poussin (breast side up or maybe down. I don't know. Get off my case) in the dish and give it a thorough massage, working your marinade  into all bits of the flesh. For some reason, the word flesh always seems a bit kinky to me.

Try not to enjoy it because that would be weird. If you do enjoy it, don't tell anyone. Tell them you got really angry.

Cover with cling-film and dump it in the fridge. This is where I always get angry because you need to rearrange 6-packs and overdue salsa to make room. Even though I have a massive fridge. You will probably locate about 4 half-filled containers of sour cream while doing this - leave them since they are starting to go an interesting colour and may turn into a cure for something if left to do their thing. At the same time you probably notice you are out of milk or some critical thing, so you will be good and angry for a while.

Leave it in there for a few hours. Go have a smoke and spend some quality time with a cat.

Here is an image of a totally quality cat:

Peri Peri Chicken recipe POST NO 2

Okay - got the recipe issue sorted now.

So, you have your two Poussin. Remember that they are poussin at this stage, not spatchcocks. Invite yourself to some parties and be sure to rant on about how poussin and spatchcock are two different things. People love standing around parties with a maniac ranting on about poultry, and everybody loves someone who tells people that they are totally wrong.

I go around finding random strangers to rant at about poussin and how it isn't spatchcock. I regard it as the secret to my popularity.  Bustops are good for this - who doesn't like a maniac at a bustop? Letters to the editor are also good.

Now we spatchcock the guys. Give them a bit of a rinse and pat dry. I don't recall why but I know I read that somewhere. Then you sort of hurl them down on a chopping board or a clean surface. Or a filthy surface if you are tough. Whatever.

They should be breast side down so get that sorted. Now is a good time to start swearing. What happens now is you go into a 45 minute wrestling match between the poussin and a cheap set of poultry shears - for extra effect and swearing get the shears from Go-Lo. Trim off extra fat, skin down the parson's nose end. Then the clever bit, you sort of cut down either side of the spine and remove. You can give these bits to a yodelling cat later.

Spatchcocking should be relatively painless, but will be more entertaining and challenging with crap Go-Lo shears. Keep swearing.

Spread the spineless poussin down flat, still breast side down, and remove anything that looks like an organ, anything that you don't recognise and anything green. Swear. Wash sticky bits off your hands. At this stage I am angry so would generally go off for some stomping around and chain smoking. Ensure to lock the yodelling cat out of the kitchen while you do this.

Back in the kitchen, sidle up to the poussin and quickly snip of their feet (end of the drumstick) and hands (wing tips). This is to stop the ends going black when they cook.

Here is another clever bit - you are going to remove a sort of cartledge  that sits ontop of the breast meat. I am not going to tell you my technique because it took a further 45 minutes and swearing. Better to watch the linked YouTube video - this dude is spatchcocking a full-size chicken rather than a poussin, and has proper poultry shears not from Go-Lo, but he seems to have a handle on the whole spatchcocking exercise. Once he has demonstrated the preparation, you can stop watching because I'm going to get you to marinate the guys and prepare a basting sauce and all. Here is the dude - I forget what he is called but he is clearly an amazingly together guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGKLtbiUflk

Once spatchcocked, take your poussin, say 'hello', and await further instructions...

Thursday 4 August 2011

Peri Peri Chicken recipe with spatchcocking and cat input POST NO 1


Note: random google image - not something I actually did personally. I did take some photos of ingredients and a plate of cooked food and all, only they are still on my camera somewhere. I'll add them later once I
a) remember, and
b) work out how to do that.

So, you want to make Peri Peri Chicken?  Don't feel like stuffing around with all the BBQ? Maybe it is winter in the Can or Siberia or something and it is minus twenty gazillion outside. Or maybe you are fundamentally lazy. Or maybe the house is surrounded by crazed psychopaths or a SWOT team with maybe a hostage negotiator.

Not a problem - follow me. If you are in the Can, you can also employ this technique in January where for exactly 3 days it stops being minus whatever and converts to about 50 million degrees centigrade, and you are aware of the hole in the ozone layer which has been scientifically proven to stretch across the exact dimentions of the ACT (for US readers, ACT stands for "place where the Can lives").

Peri Peri Chicken! - named after a  type of chilli from somewhere. Portugal, North Africa, Chisholm, somewhere like that. Or not. Doesn't matter. They look like the picture anyway.

You assemble the required ingredients. Actually, don't do that. I have written down the recipe at home somewhere, which is a problem because I am at work (obviously) so I will stuff it up and miss out something vital, like cooking the chicken. Let's put a hold on assembling the ingredients until I can get home and find the recipe.

Not to worry. What I do recall is that you go buy 2 Poussin. Or more. I'm thinking in terms of cooking for 2, and factoring in the need to have a few spare mouthfulls to hurl at the cat to stop him yodelling as you eat.

So, what I am actually saying is aim for 1 Poussin per person. If you are buying 4 Poussin, that would be for 4 people. And possibly a yodelling cat. If this is the case and you have got a hold of 4 Poussin, you need to double the other ingredients. That would be the ingredients listed on the post that I haven't actually posted, or indeed written, at this stage. Doesn't matter. Get out of my face. Have you tried to keep your blog updated? No? Then shuddup.

Poussins. You can buy them at markets or in some of those shops that specialise in all kinds of chicken (the ones that have those nasty skewers with horrible peanut butter flavours that nobody has been seen purchasing in the history of the specialist chicken shop era - which says something disturbing about how long the produce has been left there).

Or Coles. Yes - Coles do Poussin. In fact, I think I bought my Poussin for this recipe from Coles which makes for the ideal demonstration of how it is possible to buy Poussin from Coles. They do sell Poussin at Coles, generally in that new sort of yuppy section with stuff called "Game" which includes Roo (genuine game produce) and other stuff that doesn't qualify as Game unless you are the sort of person who likes to do a spot of rifle-range practise in a battery farm.

Poussin isn't Game  - suck it up, Coles - it is freaking poultry.

BTW - when you go to Coles to find your Poussin - or practically any other place that sells Poussin in Australia, the Poussin will almost certainly be labeled "Spatchcock". They do this because they are totally wrong. Again - as with displaying your Poussin in the "Game" section. They may not be aware about the Poussin / Spatchcock thing. Even if they are aware, they  don't care. I am right saying Poussin.

Coles is wrong.

For the record - a Poussin is a baby chicken generally sold around 400-500g in weight. I forget how old it is when it reaches the weight. Stephanie Alexander would probably know. Give me a break why don't you?  What's your problem?  Go ask Stephanie since you care so badly, and quit hassling me!  Less then a minute ago you probably thought a baby chicken was a Spatchcock - which is totally wrong.

Spatchcock is something totally different, although is a technique frequently employed on Poussin. Or other winged things. Though probably not bats, or dragonflys. Later we are going to "spatchcock' the Poussin. Though not yet because I am not ready and it might be a bit frozen or something.

When you get your Poussin home, put them in the fridge. If they are frozen, apparently you should defrost them in the fridge rather than out on the bench or under a running tap or whatever, otherwise you could potentially get some sort of deadly bacteria that lives in partially defrosted chickens, or possibly running taps - I forget. Whatever. I personally have consumed heaps of chicken defrosted in dodgy circumstances. And I even ate frequently at that kebab shop that used to be in Civic in 1990 something where you could get a donner kebab, chips and coke for under $5 until it was closed down by FSANZ (the acronym stands for something that means government body that closes down dodgy food places). I'm still alive. However, for legal reasons I feel compelled to advise you that it would be better to defrost your Poussin in the approved fashion.

If you must defrost things in a risky manner and not using the approved in-fridge technique, use the mircowave. That's what I do. I don't actually turn it on, I just leave meat in the microwave to defrost with the door shut to avoid Fang (cat-boy - superfangs) leaping on the cupboard and mangling whatever is up there.

Now you have your defrosted Poussin. Good for you. Only I am shagged out now and probably need to get on with some vitally important government business or something. Or have a cigarette. I'll do that first.

So - to be continued in next blog where I will include all ingredients and provide a step by step guide to spatchcocking. Better still, I'll find a link to a YouTube site which shows you how to do it properly (I certainly can't).

Wednesday 3 August 2011

Super-bad Cat!

Here is Fang ontop of his leopard-print snuggie which is spread over his leopard-print blanky on an aubergine (fantastic-furniture-speak for purple) couch.

This is how I want to spend my Wednesdays.

Why are there so many pictures of cats on the internet?

Tuesday 2 August 2011

Returning by popular demand: Lemons

I know you are all waiting for it:

YES! Kate has MORE Lemons from the massive lemon tree.

The previous round of lemons came to work with me in an approved re-usable sack (supabarn bag) and were snapped up within minutes - possibly because I didn't make anyone aware of the fact that Fang brought in a live rat that freaked out and dived into the sack with the lemons. It lay low in there for a bit while until I figured out the least traumatic way (for me, not the rat) to get it outside again. The lemons seemed fine and zesty. The rat only made it for a further hour or so before Fang rediscovered it and gave it a mangling.

There was a medium-weight cockroach in the sack too. I discovered this when some of the lemons had been claimed, freeing up some roaming space for the roach. A colleague emptied the bag-of-roach into the organic recycling. This is exactly why it is not a good idea to be and APS 5 and a contractor. The roach is possibly still there along with my old shoes.

I am aware that most of this sounds as though I made it up. I didn't.

Here is a professional advertising document I have developed to support the distribution of yellow citrus. If you like what you see, for a reasonable negotiated fee I can undertake targeted marketing along these lines to best meet the needs of your company and select client-base:



I now have many many more lemons for distribution... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Monday 1 August 2011

Things I would do if I was the Mayor of Canberra

Here are just a few ideas about what I am going to do when I become the Mayor of Canberra:

I would move everyone in the Belconnen region into townhouses in Crace and put a wall around it. Then all the people in 2612 could spread out a bit more and have an allotment for growing vegetables and a pony. I would ride a tractor up and down what used to be the suburb of Maquarie and the people would say "there goes the Mayor of Canberra on a tractor".

I would make copies of the massive owl statue on Benjamin Way, and I would place one on every major road leading up to a regional mall. In this way I would realise the final goal of Sir Walter Burley Griffen whose plan for Canberra specified no less than one owl before every significant meeting place. Then the ghost of Burley Griffen would finally rest and stop appearing to me every full moon saying "become the Mayor of Canberra for the sake of owls"

I would make a public holiday on every Monday to honour Sir Walter Burley Griffen and his owls. When the Canberra business sector complain that I am ruining the local economy, I would say "I am the Mayor of Canberra and your leader" and they would stop complaining because they would realise that my crappy regional economic approach is at least no worse than that of any previous government in Canberra, and therefore fit to be the regional economic approach of the Mayor of Canberra.

I would build a big Banana in the middle of Civic, and all the tourists would visit Canberra to see the big banana and they would bring their kids and wear their thongs thinking that it is a sub-tropical paradise with a three-day weekend until they have to drive through the routine lunchtime blizzards and they say "hey, this isn't a tropical paradise" to which I would reply "no, but it has owls" and they would say "thank you, Mayor of Canberra".

I would go to Cream on Bunda Street and I would steal all the eggs benedict with bacon and move it to a more suitable location where the service isn't provided by 17yo dudes in tight shirts that say "Yo". And everybody would go to the more suitable location and eat their eggs benedict and then cheerfully give all of their money to the Mayor of Canberra, which I would use to get very drunk.

I would audition some more candidates as the sister city of Canberra and they would be New York, Paris and London, and I would place owls around the statue of liberty and when New York is announced as the new sister city of Canberra and people would say "why did the Mayor make New York the sister city of Canberra?" I would point to the owls and say "here are some owls".

Sunday 31 July 2011

Test post and hello

Hello from the Can!

This image is a sort of unfocussed Monet-style image (deliberately this way - not just because I'm a rubbish photographer) pitched somewhere between "Haystacks" and "Waterlillies". In this case I have chosen to depict a flying Bengal cat on slightly drought-damaged lawn in Lyneham. I call this work "Flying Bengal cat on slightly drought-damaged lawn in Lyneham".

My idea for this post is to get a test message up to see if the whole blog thing works for me. So I am just going to write some random crap for a bit here. I specifically added the image just because I am certain you will get a buzz from what a total pro I am even in the initial stages of blogging.

If this works out for me, I will probably post some things about my personal life philosophy, some motivational goals, and some expert financial tips or simlar. Maybe some recipes - the internet has almost as many recipes as it does video clips of cats. So cooking posts are clearly a winner in the current online environment. Lets face it, I have stupidly attempted recipes posted by complete gits on the internet and they have been largely terrible on the whole, but I am clearly still alive. So now it is my turn to mess with people's dinner based on minimal expertise and some unfocussed images. Once it takes off and I have a million followers and some strategic advertising revenue, I can quit work and mess with people's heads on a full-time basis.

Before I launch into my new recipe / financial advice / philosophical mode, I will open with some cat comments.

Here goes:

Hi there. Have You ever thought of getting a Bengal cat? Highly recommended. In fact, go get a whole bunch of them exactly now. Here are my top 10 things to like about Bengal cats...

1. Kitten-soft leopard-print fur
2. Apricot belly with more spots
3. Movie-star fangs
4. Mascara and fuzzy black lips
5. Super-loud night yodelling
6. Batman ear (left)
7. Other Batman ear (right)
8. White fuzzy chin
9. Black feet
10.Hands with squooshy black pads

Thank you for your time.