Creative Management and the APS

I haven't yet succeeded in winning lotto or getting myself sacked, then successfully suing the Department so I can live in luxury and never show up again. But I know it is only a matter of time. I also spend some quality time hanging around lifts with a view to getting myself horribly injured in the lift shaft somehow and spending the rest of my life living on workers compensation being followed around by private detectives waiting for me to sneak out of the wheelchair for a roller-disco or a round of golf.

Until my plan fully matures, I just make do like everyone else. Here are a few useful things I have learned to ensure your days average around the mediocre level without regularly plummeting to some level of hell:

Sus out the managment style of each individual and play to it. Here are some phrases to watch out for:

My door is always open

Crap. Though the door may have been left physically open to facilitate better shouting from said manager. Under no circumstances assume that you have been issued with an invitation to raise policy issues, personal issues or any relevant work issues. Stay well away unless you are the type of person to hover around and offer to fetch the grand chief a flat white or a danish from downstairs. And if you are that type of person, stay away from me. Be aware that this method of seeking promotion only works if you are aspiring to fetch things on a more permanent basis. On the positive side, while your weight may get too much for your ergonomic chair after the 100th danish, the caffeine will probably get your typing speed to about 240wpm.

(of very senior managers) You can raise any issues with me in confidence.

Complete crap and possibly a deliberate ploy to expose malcontents from within the APS. It has been scientifically proven that the 'in confidence' conversation with a senior manager will remain confidential for less than 1 hour and 20 minutes - by which time your immediate colleagues, direct supervisor and your mum will be in on the secret. Level of harm depends on the substance of your complaint, but in most cases it is wiser and more discreet to book a public float to parade around the Can with celebrities and music and Cadel Evans on his best Malvern Star, with you screaming and jibbering with no trousers.

(of 'brain-storming' policy sessions) No idea is a stupid idea

Oh yes they are - and you are about to hear lots. Resist the urge to join in - good policy is sitting with your eyes squinted up as if you are weighing up options or considering budgetary constraints. Remember that everything that is said is going on the new, funky whiteboard that lets you print. Later the EA will be told to turn the rough draft into a proper document, perhaps a motivational poster with a 'fun' font like comic sans that will linger around making everyone who participated feel like a dickhead for the next twelve months. There is only one reason for this type of rubbish - your manager has clearly been on some type of senior executive training, and has suddenly become aware of the need for dynamic communication, whole-of-team participation or some other pointless thing. These exercises are not about getting you promoted, they are about the promotion prospects of the manager who will need to tick a box in the future relating to 'team-building'.

Most importantly, save at least one sick day with an accompanying plausible excuse for anything billed as a "Corporate Event". They were always bad, but are suddenly worse now that agency heads have discovered video technology.

Other things to keep in mind - DO NOT wear a bowtie under any circumstances.

Peri Peri Chicken POST NO 4

I'm really getting hassled now, so you can have the rest of the instructions and then I can have a snooze.

Turn the oven onto 200 degrees celcius (fan-forced). Get a hold of your marinating poussin, and say hello.

Okay - here is the basting sauce:

6 peri peri chillis (apparently they are birds-eye chillis - don't ask me why)
3 garlic cloves
70g butter
2 tbspns olive oil
tspn maldon sea salt
juice of one lemon
1 bay leaf - fresh, dried, doesn't matter
2 tbspns port wine
2 tbspns whisky
extra ground chilli if you are mad like me

Pulse the chilli and garlic an a magimix or blender or maybe a magic bullet if you got sucked in by the infomercial and it hasn't died yet. Heat your butter and oil, and dump your chilli-garlic paste stuff ontop until it sizzles and you can use garlic. Don't lean over the pan at this point, because the chilli can sting your eyes. Guess how I know this?

Righto. Add salt, lemon juice whisky and port. And the bay leaf. Everything else in fact. Let it bubble up for 5 minutes or so. Have a taste. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Feel free to add more dried chilli ground up. This is a basting thing, not a sauce that you pour over anything so it probably won't be as hot on the chicken as you might think. I like it pretty hot so I always go a bit nuts around now. Take it off the heat and leave it around somewhere.

Put your marinated poussins in a roasting tray or baking dish or something that you use in the oven that seems the right size. Bung in the oven. Come back in 10 minutes and baste generously. Back in the oven for another 10, baste, and then back in the oven for 5-10 as needed. Final baste and you can put them on a plate and tuck in.

I like mine with a nice salad, something fresh and a bit zingy so I do this thing with cucumber that you leave in a bowl with a few teaspoons of sugar, one of salt and a good slosh of white wine vinegar. Leave that to absorb for an hour or so, and then toss with some baby roma tomatoes halved, half a red onion cut up finely, and maybe some interesting lettuce or rocket or something. And a really generous handfull of chopped up mint. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I think I chopped this one in half (the poussins were slightly different because I mangled mine while I was spatchcocking it, while Jock managed fine. So we each had a good half and a mangled half. Tasted totally ace.)

Or maybe you would like it with chips? Chips are good too.

Thank you for staying with me on this. Just for you, here is an image of an excellent, well-behaved Fang:

Peri Peri Chicken - marinade POST NO 3

Right

I'm being hassled now, so I'm going to get you to marinate the chicken and then you will have to get out of my face for a bit because I have to complete this stupid speech thing for work.

Here is what you need. Make sure the garlic is good and fine and feel free to get angry:

1 lemon - total lemon, zest, juice etc. not the white bits
3-4 garlic cloves finely chopped. Or smooshed with a press or something
1 tspn dried oregano
1 tspn smoked paprika
Maldon sea salt (a sort of a bit, to taste preference)
Tbspn olive oil

Dump all this gear into some type of dish thing. and sort of swirl around. Where it says 1 lemon, what I do  is zest the lemon into the swirled-around stuff and also include all the juice of a big lemon. You want it good and lemony so if the lemon is smaller, or not especially juicy, squeeze 2 lemons. This way you can feel like you are in control and not just following instructions like some bastard  pawn of the system.

I hate the system! I throw the system to the GROUND!

Here is the kinky bit - put the poussin (breast side up or maybe down. I don't know. Get off my case) in the dish and give it a thorough massage, working your marinade  into all bits of the flesh. For some reason, the word flesh always seems a bit kinky to me.

Try not to enjoy it because that would be weird. If you do enjoy it, don't tell anyone. Tell them you got really angry.

Cover with cling-film and dump it in the fridge. This is where I always get angry because you need to rearrange 6-packs and overdue salsa to make room. Even though I have a massive fridge. You will probably locate about 4 half-filled containers of sour cream while doing this - leave them since they are starting to go an interesting colour and may turn into a cure for something if left to do their thing. At the same time you probably notice you are out of milk or some critical thing, so you will be good and angry for a while.

Leave it in there for a few hours. Go have a smoke and spend some quality time with a cat.

Here is an image of a totally quality cat:

Peri Peri Chicken recipe POST NO 2

Okay - got the recipe issue sorted now.

So, you have your two Poussin. Remember that they are poussin at this stage, not spatchcocks. Invite yourself to some parties and be sure to rant on about how poussin and spatchcock are two different things. People love standing around parties with a maniac ranting on about poultry, and everybody loves someone who tells people that they are totally wrong.

I go around finding random strangers to rant at about poussin and how it isn't spatchcock. I regard it as the secret to my popularity.  Bustops are good for this - who doesn't like a maniac at a bustop? Letters to the editor are also good.

Now we spatchcock the guys. Give them a bit of a rinse and pat dry. I don't recall why but I know I read that somewhere. Then you sort of hurl them down on a chopping board or a clean surface. Or a filthy surface if you are tough. Whatever.

They should be breast side down so get that sorted. Now is a good time to start swearing. What happens now is you go into a 45 minute wrestling match between the poussin and a cheap set of poultry shears - for extra effect and swearing get the shears from Go-Lo. Trim off extra fat, skin down the parson's nose end. Then the clever bit, you sort of cut down either side of the spine and remove. You can give these bits to a yodelling cat later.

Spatchcocking should be relatively painless, but will be more entertaining and challenging with crap Go-Lo shears. Keep swearing.

Spread the spineless poussin down flat, still breast side down, and remove anything that looks like an organ, anything that you don't recognise and anything green. Swear. Wash sticky bits off your hands. At this stage I am angry so would generally go off for some stomping around and chain smoking. Ensure to lock the yodelling cat out of the kitchen while you do this.

Back in the kitchen, sidle up to the poussin and quickly snip of their feet (end of the drumstick) and hands (wing tips). This is to stop the ends going black when they cook.

Here is another clever bit - you are going to remove a sort of cartledge  that sits ontop of the breast meat. I am not going to tell you my technique because it took a further 45 minutes and swearing. Better to watch the linked YouTube video - this dude is spatchcocking a full-size chicken rather than a poussin, and has proper poultry shears not from Go-Lo, but he seems to have a handle on the whole spatchcocking exercise. Once he has demonstrated the preparation, you can stop watching because I'm going to get you to marinate the guys and prepare a basting sauce and all. Here is the dude - I forget what he is called but he is clearly an amazingly together guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGKLtbiUflk

Once spatchcocked, take your poussin, say 'hello', and await further instructions...

Peri Peri Chicken recipe with spatchcocking and cat input POST NO 1

Note: random google image - not something I actually did personally. I did take some photos of ingredients and a plate of cooked food and all, only they are still on my camera somewhere. I'll add them later once I
a) remember, and
b) work out how to do that.

So, you want to make Peri Peri Chicken?  Don't feel like stuffing around with all the BBQ? Maybe it is winter in the Can or Siberia or something and it is minus twenty gazillion outside. Or maybe you are fundamentally lazy. Or maybe the house is surrounded by crazed psychopaths or a SWOT team with maybe a hostage negotiator.

Not a problem - follow me. If you are in the Can, you can also employ this technique in January where for exactly 3 days it stops being minus whatever and converts to about 50 million degrees centigrade, and you are aware of the hole in the ozone layer which has been scientifically proven to stretch across the exact dimentions of the ACT (for US readers, ACT stands for "place where the Can lives").

Peri Peri Chicken! - named after a  type of chilli from somewhere. Portugal, North Africa, Chisholm, somewhere like that. Or not. Doesn't matter. They look like the picture anyway.

You assemble the required ingredients. Actually, don't do that. I have written down the recipe at home somewhere, which is a problem because I am at work (obviously) so I will stuff it up and miss out something vital, like cooking the chicken. Let's put a hold on assembling the ingredients until I can get home and find the recipe.

Not to worry. What I do recall is that you go buy 2 Poussin. Or more. I'm thinking in terms of cooking for 2, and factoring in the need to have a few spare mouthfulls to hurl at the cat to stop him yodelling as you eat.

So, what I am actually saying is aim for 1 Poussin per person. If you are buying 4 Poussin, that would be for 4 people. And possibly a yodelling cat. If this is the case and you have got a hold of 4 Poussin, you need to double the other ingredients. That would be the ingredients listed on the post that I haven't actually posted, or indeed written, at this stage. Doesn't matter. Get out of my face. Have you tried to keep your blog updated? No? Then shuddup.

Poussins. You can buy them at markets or in some of those shops that specialise in all kinds of chicken (the ones that have those nasty skewers with horrible peanut butter flavours that nobody has been seen purchasing in the history of the specialist chicken shop era - which says something disturbing about how long the produce has been left there).

Or Coles. Yes - Coles do Poussin. In fact, I think I bought my Poussin for this recipe from Coles which makes for the ideal demonstration of how it is possible to buy Poussin from Coles. They do sell Poussin at Coles, generally in that new sort of yuppy section with stuff called "Game" which includes Roo (genuine game produce) and other stuff that doesn't qualify as Game unless you are the sort of person who likes to do a spot of rifle-range practise in a battery farm.

Poussin isn't Game  - suck it up, Coles - it is freaking poultry.

BTW - when you go to Coles to find your Poussin - or practically any other place that sells Poussin in Australia, the Poussin will almost certainly be labeled "Spatchcock". They do this because they are totally wrong. Again - as with displaying your Poussin in the "Game" section. They may not be aware about the Poussin / Spatchcock thing. Even if they are aware, they  don't care. I am right saying Poussin.

Coles is wrong.

For the record - a Poussin is a baby chicken generally sold around 400-500g in weight. I forget how old it is when it reaches the weight. Stephanie Alexander would probably know. Give me a break why don't you?  What's your problem?  Go ask Stephanie since you care so badly, and quit hassling me!  Less then a minute ago you probably thought a baby chicken was a Spatchcock - which is totally wrong.

Spatchcock is something totally different, although is a technique frequently employed on Poussin. Or other winged things. Though probably not bats, or dragonflys. Later we are going to "spatchcock' the Poussin. Though not yet because I am not ready and it might be a bit frozen or something.

When you get your Poussin home, put them in the fridge. If they are frozen, apparently you should defrost them in the fridge rather than out on the bench or under a running tap or whatever, otherwise you could potentially get some sort of deadly bacteria that lives in partially defrosted chickens, or possibly running taps - I forget. Whatever. I personally have consumed heaps of chicken defrosted in dodgy circumstances. And I even ate frequently at that kebab shop that used to be in Civic in 1990 something where you could get a donner kebab, chips and coke for under $5 until it was closed down by FSANZ (the acronym stands for something that means government body that closes down dodgy food places). I'm still alive. However, for legal reasons I feel compelled to advise you that it would be better to defrost your Poussin in the approved fashion.

If you must defrost things in a risky manner and not using the approved in-fridge technique, use the mircowave. That's what I do. I don't actually turn it on, I just leave meat in the microwave to defrost with the door shut to avoid Fang (cat-boy - superfangs) leaping on the cupboard and mangling whatever is up there.

Now you have your defrosted Poussin. Good for you. Only I am shagged out now and probably need to get on with some vitally important government business or something. Or have a cigarette. I'll do that first.

So - to be continued in next blog where I will include all ingredients and provide a step by step guide to spatchcocking. Better still, I'll find a link to a YouTube site which shows you how to do it properly (I certainly can't).

Super-bad Cat!

Here is Fang ontop of his leopard-print snuggie which is spread over his leopard-print blanky on an aubergine (fantastic-furniture-speak for purple) couch.

This is how I want to spend my Wednesdays.

Why are there so many pictures of cats on the internet?

Returning by popular demand: Lemons

I know you are all waiting for it:

YES! Kate has MORE Lemons from the massive lemon tree.

The previous round of lemons came to work with me in an approved re-usable sack (supabarn bag) and were snapped up within minutes - possibly because I didn't make anyone aware of the fact that Fang brought in a live rat that freaked out and dived into the sack with the lemons. It lay low in there for a bit while until I figured out the least traumatic way (for me, not the rat) to get it outside again. The lemons seemed fine and zesty. The rat only made it for a further hour or so before Fang rediscovered it and gave it a mangling.

There was a medium-weight cockroach in the sack too. I discovered this when some of the lemons had been claimed, freeing up some roaming space for the roach. A colleague emptied the bag-of-roach into the organic recycling. This is exactly why it is not a good idea to be and APS 5 and a contractor. The roach is possibly still there along with my old shoes.

I am aware that most of this sounds as though I made it up. I didn't.

Here is a professional advertising document I have developed to support the distribution of yellow citrus. If you like what you see, for a reasonable negotiated fee I can undertake targeted marketing along these lines to best meet the needs of your company and select client-base:

I now have many many more lemons for distribution... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.