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Monday 8 August 2011

Creative Management and the APS

I haven't yet succeeded in winning lotto or getting myself sacked, then successfully suing the Department so I can live in luxury and never show up again. But I know it is only a matter of time. I also spend some quality time hanging around lifts with a view to getting myself horribly injured in the lift shaft somehow and spending the rest of my life living on workers compensation being followed around by private detectives waiting for me to sneak out of the wheelchair for a roller-disco or a round of golf.

Until my plan fully matures, I just make do like everyone else. Here are a few useful things I have learned to ensure your days average around the mediocre level without regularly plummeting to some level of hell:

Sus out the managment style of each individual and play to it. Here are some phrases to watch out for:

My door is always open

Crap. Though the door may have been left physically open to facilitate better shouting from said manager. Under no circumstances assume that you have been issued with an invitation to raise policy issues, personal issues or any relevant work issues. Stay well away unless you are the type of person to hover around and offer to fetch the grand chief a flat white or a danish from downstairs. And if you are that type of person, stay away from me. Be aware that this method of seeking promotion only works if you are aspiring to fetch things on a more permanent basis. On the positive side, while your weight may get too much for your ergonomic chair after the 100th danish, the caffeine will probably get your typing speed to about 240wpm.

(of very senior managers) You can raise any issues with me in confidence.

Complete crap and possibly a deliberate ploy to expose malcontents from within the APS. It has been scientifically proven that the 'in confidence' conversation with a senior manager will remain confidential for less than 1 hour and 20 minutes - by which time your immediate colleagues, direct supervisor and your mum will be in on the secret. Level of harm depends on the substance of your complaint, but in most cases it is wiser and more discreet to book a public float to parade around the Can with celebrities and music and Cadel Evans on his best Malvern Star, with you screaming and jibbering with no trousers.

(of 'brain-storming' policy sessions) No idea is a stupid idea

Oh yes they are - and you are about to hear lots. Resist the urge to join in - good policy is sitting with your eyes squinted up as if you are weighing up options or considering budgetary constraints. Remember that everything that is said is going on the new, funky whiteboard that lets you print. Later the EA will be told to turn the rough draft into a proper document, perhaps a motivational poster with a 'fun' font like comic sans that will linger around making everyone who participated feel like a dickhead for the next twelve months. There is only one reason for this type of rubbish - your manager has clearly been on some type of senior executive training, and has suddenly become aware of the need for dynamic communication, whole-of-team participation or some other pointless thing. These exercises are not about getting you promoted, they are about the promotion prospects of the manager who will need to tick a box in the future relating to 'team-building'.

Most importantly, save at least one sick day with an accompanying plausible excuse for anything billed as a "Corporate Event". They were always bad, but are suddenly worse now that agency heads have discovered video technology.

Other things to keep in mind - DO NOT wear a bowtie under any circumstances.

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