Expert Financial Advice

It's the bug-eyed black cat in the hot tie with expert tips for the financially savvy felines out there:

1. Follow the market - when tuna hits $1.50 you BUY BUY BUY!

2. Notice that Banana's are very pricey at the mome? Now is the time to invest in grapefruit. Tomorrow you will need to go around all the competing citrus growers property and chop all of the trees down, which will instantly increase the market value of your grapefruit. Grow those red grapefruit as well. Everyone likes a red grapefruit.

3. Earn money.

4. On no account spend any money on anything. Next time someone asks you to pay for something, point behind them and say "hey, look at that big, spooky blobby thing behind you". While they look away, have an internationally renown plastic surgeon change all of your facial features. When they look back, say "no, I didn't see where that person you are looking for went. My face is bleeding - could I borrow some gauze?"

5. Don't buy into THE SYSTEM... buy a snuggie (as seen on television). This will keep you warm when ACTEW shut off the power. You will also have plenty of grapefruit. A tricky design advantage of the snuggie is that it has built-in sleeves to the main blanky, so you don't need to reach out from under the blanky to change the channel. Since the power is off, it becomes less important to change the channel. My snuggie came in a very attractive leopard print. I wear it to work most days where I earn lots of money that subsequently does not get spent, because I get all my goods from people with a big, spooky blobby thing behind them, and then I have surgery.

6. Get drunk. You will possibly need to spend money doing this but it doesn't matter because nobody cares what they spend while drunk.

7. (Important) Be nice to spotted cats.

8. Remember, when all seems bleak, Wayne Swan has told us that Australia's fundamentals are strong. I don't exactly know what that means either, but it sounds very manly and economical and all.